Trust me, I’m a lawyer.
I have a license to steal. I believe that the United States of America is the greatest country ever stolen from another group of individuals.
I believe that every American has an inalienable right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of the almighty dollar. I have taken an oath to uphold the Constitution of the United States, and I will never hesitate to defend my clients until their last dime. Every person is innocent until proven unable to pay my fee.
With liberty and injustice for all.
I believe that all people are created equal, but those who can afford my fee are more equal than others. All people have value…if they can pay for my services. I am a hired gun who fights for his clients’ freedom according to their ability to pay. No case is too big, and no fee is too big.
I believe that the United States is a land of suckers (i.e. potential clients). In the land of the free, some things cost money.
As the inscription on the Statue of Liberty explains:
“Give me your tired, your poor (preferably with cash),
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore (with credit cards in hand).
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed, to me:
I lift my lamp beside the golden door (for those who can pay my fee).”
I believe that I have a constitutional right to drive a Sport Utility Vehicle. My Creator has endowed me with certain inalienable rights such as gold, cash, and the pursuit of beautiful blondes. The truth shall set us free, but cash shall keep us alive.
© Ero Zeno