Junior

Trust me, I’m a lawyer. 

I have a license to steal. I believe that the United States of America is the greatest country ever stolen from another group of individuals.

I believe that every American has an inalienable right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of the almighty dollar. I have taken an oath to uphold the Constitution of the United States, and I will never hesitate to defend my clients until their last dime. Every person is innocent until proven unable to pay my fee. 

With liberty and injustice for all.

I believe that all people are created equal, but those who can afford my fee are more equal than others. All people have value…if they can pay for my services. I am a hired gun who fights for his clients’ freedom according to their ability to pay. No case is too big, and no fee is too big.

I believe that the United States is a land of suckers (i.e. potential clients). In the land of the free, some things cost money. 

As the inscription on the Statue of Liberty explains:

“Give me your tired, your poor (preferably with cash), 

 Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore (with credit cards in hand).
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed, to me:
I lift my lamp beside the golden door (for those who can pay my fee).”

I believe that I have a constitutional right to drive a Sport Utility Vehicle. My Creator has endowed me with certain inalienable rights such as gold, cash, and the pursuit of beautiful blondes. The truth shall set us free, but cash shall keep us alive.  

 © Ero Zeno 

I believe that failure is a fact of life. As human beings, we all fail at some point. But it is better to have died in the womb than to fail to pay your lawyer. 

There are thousands of legal doctrines we must follow. But there is only one law: your lawyer must be paid. A lawyer’s opinion only has value when money is exchanged for it. The only certainties of life are death, taxes, and lawyers’ fees.

I believe that the practice of law is a business. Many people look upon the law as a calling. Many people look upon the law as a vocation. The practice of law is a business, plain and simple. Supply and demand: I’m a lawyer (supply); and my clients are in trouble (demand). 

Clients who cannot afford my fees are bad business. Court-appointed clients are bad business. I simply don’t engage in bad business practices. It’s all about money and priorities. People who can’t afford my fees are not priorities.

I’ve never worried about being Perry Mason or the world’s trial greatest lawyer. The entire practice of law rests with the ability to collect fees. I want to generate the most fees of any lawyer in the world. 

I want to be the world’s most expensive lawyer.

I believe that generating legal fees is the most exhilarating part of being a lawyer. I don’t care for discussing legal principals or theory; it’s all bullshit to me. Laws are made by politicians who are bought and paid for, and inhabit the same financial and social sphere as the corporate types who buy them. Those same politicians will later be elected (or appointed) to interpret the law as Judges. The conventional practice of law is very incestuous. The practice of law is generating fees; nothing more, nothing less.

While lawyers have the right to set their own fees, they must not do so in a way that “shocks the conscience.” As lawyers, we have a duty to protect the welfare and the trust of the general public, and to charge a fee equal to the amount of work expended on any given case. To do otherwise would bring negativity to the legal profession, and the practice of law. A lawyer is a servant who is honor bound to protect the public trust, and serve others not for money or fame, but to see that justice is done. 

Fuck that.

 © Ero Zeno