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Junior : a Novel from the Mind of Ero Zeno

Junior

...and Injustice for All

Trust me, I’m a lawyer. 


I have a license to steal. I believe that the United States of America is the greatest country ever stolen from another group of individuals.


I believe that every American has an inalienable right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of the almighty dollar. I have taken an oath to uphold the Constitution of the United States, and I will never hesitate to defend my clients until their last dime. Every person is innocent until proven unable to pay my fee. 


With liberty and injustice for all.


I believe that all people are created equal, but those who can afford my fee are more equal than others. All people have value…if they can pay for my services. I am a hired gun who fights for his clients’ freedom according to their ability to pay. No case is too big, and no fee is too big.

I believe that the United States is a land of suckers (i.e. potential clients). In the land of the free, some things cost money. 


As the inscription on the Statue of Liberty explains:


“Give me your tired, your poor (preferably with cash), 

 Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore (with credit cards in hand).
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed, to me:
I lift my lamp beside the golden door (for those who can pay my fee).”


I believe that I have a constitutional right to drive a Sport Utility Vehicle. My Creator has endowed me with certain inalienable rights such as gold, cash, and the pursuit of beautiful blondes. The truth shall set us free, but cash shall keep us alive.  


 © Ero Zeno 

Ero Zeno's Commentary

Coming Soon. A lawyer battles his inner demons, and attempts to spare the life of his most expensive client: the Son of Satan. 


Obviously, Junior is a work of fiction. No self-respecting lawyer would be conflicted representing the Son of Satan.

Junior: a Novel from the Mind of Ero Zeno

Junior

Thou Shall Not Represent Thyself

I live my life according to the Golden Rule: the ones with the gold make all the rules. When Jesus comes back, his lawyer will with be with him. He will be pissed-off (Jesus, not the lawyer).


I believe that Jesus would still be alive today if he had been my client. Specifically, he would be locked away in Guantanamo if he were alive today. He was sentenced to death and crucified based upon trumped-up evidence, and shit charges. 


His life was sacrificed because some intimidated asshole was afraid of a mob. Jesus would not have died for your sins if he would have had better legal representation. Instead, he proved that even the Son of God should never attempt to represent himself (you'd think his old man could have sprung for a lawyer). An individual who represents himself has a fool for a client and an idiot for counsel. 


The 11th commandment is THOU SHALL NOT REPRESENT THYSELF. I believe that the worst legal defense of all time was I did not shoot the deputy, but I shot the sheriff. Obviously, Bob Marley never went to law school.  Only someone representing himself would have come-up with such a wretched line of bullshit. Sorry Bob, I love your music but I hate your legal skills.


 © Ero Zeno 

Erozeno's Commentary

The 11th Commandment: Thou Shall Not Represent Thyself.

Junior: a Novel from the Mind of Ero Zeno

Junior

Thou Shall Pay Your Lawyer

I believe that failure is a fact of life. As human beings, we all fail at some point. But it is better to have died in the womb than to fail to pay your lawyer. 


There are thousands of legal doctrines we must follow. But there is only one law: your lawyer must be paid. A lawyer’s opinion only has value when money is exchanged for it. The only certainties of life are death, taxes, and lawyers’ fees.


I believe that the practice of law is a business. Many people look upon the law as a calling. Many people look upon the law as a vocation. The practice of law is a business, plain and simple. Supply and demand: I’m a lawyer (supply); and my clients are in trouble (demand). 


Clients who cannot afford my fees are bad business. Court-appointed clients are bad business. I simply don’t engage in bad business practices. It’s all about money and priorities. People who can’t afford my fees are not priorities.


I’ve never worried about being Perry Mason or the world’s trial greatest lawyer. The entire practice of law rests with the ability to collect fees. I want to generate the most fees of any lawyer in the world. 


I want to be the world’s most expensive lawyer.


I believe that generating legal fees is the most exhilarating part of being a lawyer. I don’t care for discussing legal principals or theory; it’s all bullshit to me. Laws are made by politicians who are bought and paid for, and inhabit the same financial and social sphere as the corporate types who buy them. Those same politicians will later be elected (or appointed) to interpret the law as Judges. The conventional practice of law is very incestuous. The practice of law is generating fees; nothing more, nothing less.


While lawyers have the right to set their own fees, they must not do so in a way that “shocks the conscience.” As lawyers, we have a duty to protect the welfare and the trust of the general public, and to charge a fee equal to the amount of work expended on any given case. To do otherwise would bring negativity to the legal profession, and the practice of law. A lawyer is a servant who is honor bound to protect the public trust, and serve others not for money or fame, but to see that justice is done. 


Fuck that.


 © Ero Zeno 

Ero Zeno's Commentary

While there are hundreds of thousands of regulations, legal doctrines, and 11 Commandments, there is only one law: Thou Shall Pay Your Lawyer.

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